A friend of mine suggested a gratitude journal, especially when things are going the wrong way. I wonder how one would look, this late in the evening of 2012?

Well I'm thankful that I was actually married to Nadia. Thankful for 14 years shared, which included some terribly dramatic moments and some especially wonderful ones. The birth of our son, Tom. The years spent living in Japan. The camping trips, the building of a house together, the music, singing and performance events. The hanging out.

This year I'm grateful that I had a roof over my head, a car to drive, an income and a fantastic place to work. Yes, thank you Anglicare. You sustained me, encouraged me, supported me in ways that you could not begin to guess at. My contribution was nothing compared to what was received. I cannot quantify it. You have no idea how blessed I feel.

And it was Anglicare, in ways unseen and unknown to human understanding, that pushed me back towards God. This is an ongoing journey, lifelong, but I will not forsake it, just as God will not forsake me. I understand life's journey better and even though there have been some very tough moments this year, especially recently, there has always been God.

I have made new friends, joined a great new choir and become closer to people whom I thought I might never. This is the strange flip-side of personal disaster. If you look, if you reach out, take a few risks, stuff happens. Not all of it good. Strangely though, it is possible to be grateful for it all.

A quiet Christmas Day at my brother Peter's house in Budgewoi. Just two of my four brothers, Michael and Peter, and my mum, who is recovering from an operation. Few presents, simple festive fare and crazy wet weather were the order of things. My brother has done a great job turning a classic shack into a very liveable home.

I was far less sad than I thought, though the drive home was harrowing at times. I don't know what possesses some drivers to tail-gate or lane jump in such poor conditions. I know better than to label people on the basis of one observed behaviour, but the sheer foolery of some of the driving was astonishing.

Got home tired and quite happy overall. Would loved to have chatted to a friend of mine but she had her own problems and catching up is hard to do. When to find the time with someone who is so elusive? But I am very happy to be the shoulder to lean on, whenever it's needed.

I have been dreading this Christmas, this being the first in many years with a split family. Not being together on Christmas Day is a terrible blow, and while many families endure the same thing, it still seems like an ill-omened mountain of my own imagining. Just sitting there.

I guess as a result I have been quite low at times and felt like I wasn't coping. Its taken me a while to realise that I am just in another stage of grieving, one in which a sense of loss becomes the central motif of every encounter. There are reminders everywhere but perhaps never closer than festivals or anniversaries, whose collective histories visit and revisit.

So I find myself trying to reframe circumstances and events, looking for the ways in which I have actively ignored the positive and privileged anything negative. There is nothing self-deceiving in this, for in truth, the deception occurs at the original point where I chose to hold a darkened lens to my experience.

Yesterday we just happened to be home as the RFS Christmas truck pulled by. Tom got a chance to meet with Santa and I got a chance to reflect on my forlorn condition, though this came long after the event. Yes, there is usually a silver lining and I am trying harder to find it, even if the times conspire against it.

Hmm. World didn't end. Doubtless the date will be moved somewhere into the future to accommodate more brain-addling nonsense.

Just fancy that.

for those left behind

this unbidden tunnel permits
no compass nor guide;
it's grief sticks like glue,
whether this way, or that,
there is undirection,
though just one directive-
to go,
through.

I'm not sure what it takes to get a serious debate about guns going in the United States. I'm by no means certain that the slaughter of twenty children, some only kindies, would cause the NRA to bat an eyelid, or refrain from issuing assonine sermons or advice. I have no idea why a nation so great as America, whose people and founding principles I admire, can't deal with such a basic question as this is.

In Australia, we have had this debate and the guns, for the most part, lost out. I'm sure that the debate will come again and I'm certain that the gun lobby here will try to push the boundaries. But our situation is chicken-feed compared to the vast, crazy, semi-automatic heaven and hell that happens across the Pacific. When a national organisation says that the way to deal with gun massacres is to arm everyone, then you know that there are folks, who claim to be thinking individuals, that have a very slim purchase on reality.

For those poor dead littlies in Newtown Conn, for their friends and families and the shocked remnant, my prayers, inadequate as they are, are for you. May God bless you in your deep hurt and mourning. May He bring comfort.

Growing close to Christmas, I have been feeling sadder and more anxious. It's not hard to see why - it is 12 months since my separation from Nadia and Christmas is a season that I love. My family is split and so I have been avoiding thinking about the day itself.

Any counsellor will tell you that avoiding anything (except those things that are dangerous) is likely to increase stress, anxiety and the ability to cope. I should have been telling myself that but for the fact that I had fallen, perhaps unwittingly, into a deep well of cognitively distorted thinking. It's been happening for months now and yesterday, my sadness was such that I had had enough. I pulled out my one of my CBT texts and started reading again. Thinking errors were in abundance.

So over the next few days or weeks, I'd like to take you through some of the most common thinking errors, replete with my own distorted record.

Not the end of the world as you know it.

First for the bad news, matters that should worry you into action. Global warming is real and moving faster than first thought. Many Western economies are either still in recession or sluggish at best. The Middle East is as volatile as ever. The gap between the richest and poorest, citizens and nations, is widening. There are still a lot of nukes stockpiled. All worth thinking about. Maybe even losing a little sleep over.

But here's what you needn't worry about. The world is not going to end on the 21st of this month. The Mayan (long count) calendar does not simply stop but begins a new cycle and in any event, the Mayans did not predict the end of the world in December 2012. There is no planet, comet or dwarf star on a collision course with Earth. (Go outside and have a look at the night sky if you want to prove it to yourself.) There is no alignment of the planets this December, nor is there an alignment with the black hole at the centre of our galaxy (whatever that means) and in any event, such alignments have no consequences for the Earth. There is no conspiracy within NASA or at government level to hide the truth about our impending demise and in fact such a conspiracy would be impossible. There are simply too many good amateur astronomers about to hide the facts about rogue planets or stars.

If you went to school and did science to even the end of junior high, then you will be able to figure this out for your self. It's quite logical. If you've forgotten all the basics, then don't despair. Just apply to same reason that you do to tasks that you do every day, such as driving a car or cooking a meal. If someone told you that a small meteor would wipe out your car on the way to work, but presented no evidence at all, would you believe them?

The only person who knows when the game is up is God. Best not to play into the hands of mystics, charlatans or the ignorant. When you awake on the 22nd, hopefully you will be ready for the next irrational scare. Well, that's the theory, anyway

Had a great night out having dinner and dancing with buddies from Anglicare. There was a time when I would have been loath to step foot in Rooty Hill RSL, but time and people have changed me. Oh, its terribly crass in its Vegas of the West and huge-room -stuffed-with flatscreens-and-pokies way, but one can sense that there is a place, perhaps, to build community within. (Drawing a bow, aren't we? - ed.)

And the band, who had swallowed the reggae and seventies-standards-as-medley pill, a strong medicine I'm told, were good musicians. Every number was danceable.

It was a very hot day and when I got home around midnight, the house retained the air of its own midday baking. I opened my screenless windows and sat in darkness for the temperature to equalize. The streetlights were strangely out, so the blackness was palpable, though a rogue moon slipped behind rich balls of cloud.

Sleeping in such undiminished heat is more a chore than a joy, though I found my way through to dawn, and then a little beyond.