Today all wars ceased. All slaps were unslapped and all harsh words, taken back. Today there was a vast redistribution of wealth, where the rich happily shared their good fortune with the poor. Governments have suddenly ceased to be venal and have also decided that complete honesty is the best policy. Today there was a remarkable technological discovery that will wind back global warming to pre-industrial levels. A panel of doctors announced a cure for all diseases had finally arrived. Petrol prices have dropped to ten cents a litre. There is a new variant of bacon that is perfectly healthy and drinking too much alcohol will no longer leave you with a hangover. Images from the James Webb have conclusively proved that an exoplanet 200 light years away has intelligent life.

Today is April 1st. More's the pity.