A difficult day today. Not in terms of being overly busy or stressed out by events or commitments. In that sense it was quite easy. The difficulty was emotional; dealing with negative thoughts and feelings arising from circumstances in my life. It's strange really, that I can be so relaxed and on top of things one day and brooding, without any obvious spark , the next. It's easy to be complacent, until unresolved resentments and fears flame up. And for some reason these negative aspects tend to cycle through the day, irrespective of what else is happening.

Tonight I'll spend time in prayer and in meditation and try to end the evening on a more positive note. Uncertainty about the future will eventually be made clearer and many of my fears may prove to be unfounded. Even where they come to pass, there are ways of accepting without the attendant emotional agony.

Even just writing about things is helpful.

It's a cold day today. At Penrith pool, staff had covered all but two lanes to keep the heat in. Surprisingly, there were few takers while I was there. My laps passed uneventfully and I was glad of the hot showler, as Tom would say, afterwards. Today's gig at Anglicare was likewise unremarkable, though my cold, lack of rehearsal and some poor song choices meant it wasn't quite up to scratch.

Choosing to do the cafe today also meant that I missed Tom's Friday assembly, in which he had a small speaking part. I felt guilty about it all day and have vowed that next time, I'll choose the assembly. It's easy to be selfish sometimes and I really should put my son ahead of the needs of strangers, even if they are needy. I know that I'm appreciated there by staff but I want to get my priorities right. How long will Tom be a little boy for?

Far too soon, that time will pass.

I have been reading a book on positivity. The author is keen to establish the scientific credentials of her findings, so the first half of the book presents the results of clinical studies that support the view that genuine posivitity can create a more meaningful, less stressful life. The practical work for the reader begins with a positivity ratio test, completed (in my case) online and recommended as a daily activity. So that is what I have been doing these last few days, with my ration bumping up to post-optimal today.

It might be a freak one-off rating, given that today was one of my volunteer working days at Anglicare. And I was happily and busily engaged with my work all day and came home sated by how productive the day had been and how great my coworkers are.

Interested? You can check out the test and take it here:

www.positivityratio.com

We have an active and very committed Refugee Support Group in the Blue Mountains. I know that they work hard and with great perseverance to help all kinds of refugees who find themselves in detention. Ever since the politicization of "boat people" by the Howard Government a decade ago, any sensible debate on how to fairly and humanely treat refugees has taken second place to rabid scaremongering and misinformation. And still, these dedicated people offer kindness and hope to people whose only mistake was to crave a better life.

Last night the support group hosted a fundraising night for refugees, with musicians giving their time and support, pro bono. I went, but it was a difficult thing to do, because I was going alone. I don't know how to put it, but appearing social events in my own community is fraught with anxiety. There are fears of being looked at, talked about, pitied. Of course, these are only fears that I project onto others. It's all in my mind.

But I did go and enjoyed myself. I think I was even a little bit courageous in doing so, but if I don't step out in faith, then I'll likely wither at home. And frankly, I think that I still have too much to offer to do that.

The bands were great, the organizers, angels. Thanks to everyone involved.

Last Saturday night was windy and while Tom and I were watching tellie, there was strange bang outside. Thinking that it was the door, I put the matter out of my mind. Later though, I could hear the sound of moving water, such as one hears in pipes hidden behind walls. No taps were running, no cisterns filling. Tom dozed off and I headed outside to check the hot water tank, only to find the latter lying on its side like a fallen Dalek. It's bottom had buckled and punched out and the tank had lost balance. A call to the plumber ensued and cold water was the norm for two days.

It didn't make my Mothers Day any happier (see previous post) and it struck me at the time as a apt metaphor for my condition. Knocked for six and lying helpless. Only I'm not either of those things really though it's easy to feel like that on days when I'm feeling low. Great good fortune puts a roof over my head, an income in my pocket, a little man in my life. I am a member of a great choir, have the chance to sing in a cafe every Friday, and am slowly acquiring new friends. So really, I am the luckiest of men. I am also closer to God and trying hard to amend those aspects of myself that have been the cause of past trouble.

There will always be those days. But there is much more to be thankful for.

Mothers day. This time last year my family went to a restaurant in Parramatta for lunch. The year before we had a fondue at home, once again with all the mothers being present. I enjoyed organizing them and especially the satisfaction of being with family on such a day. It wasn't until Tom came along six years ago that this day assumed such importance to me, a late epiphany, it's true, but better than never coming around at all.

This year, with Nadia and I separated, it's just been sad. I've tried to have a fun day with Tom and we have played and hung out pretty successfully, but the feeling keeps returning. To me, at least. Nadia has been having a day with her Mum and I hope hers has been better than mine. I don't mean to mope about. It's just how things are at the moment and days that are family centred are particularly difficult.

So roll on Monday.

Monday. Another short note to Nadia. A cold, overcast day that is setting into my bones. Soon I'll head down to Penrith for a swim, then back up the mountains for choir. I left Crowd Around this year (for rather obvious reasons) and joined a lower mountains group, The Moo Choir. Nothing to do with cows, I might add. We are just based at Warrimoo.

It was very difficult to leave Crowd Around, the choir which started so many things for me. Nadia, Japan, singing.

Winter has set in early in so many ways.

This year.

I have been writing letters to Nadia for a few months now. Letters of apology and sorrow. Letters of love and remembrance. Letters that express my hope, faint though it is, of reconciliation. Nadia has never directly replied to any of these. Today I pushed a little, hoping that my most recent letter of two days ago might have shifted her views, just a little.

The truth is that Nadia feels pretty much the same as she did three months ago. She doesn't want to be with me anymore , not as husband and wife. She can't get past the events of last year and wants a fresh start. No history.

It's hard for me to be give up the little light of hope that has burned, however dimly, this year. It has been such an important focus for getting through each day and has directed so much thinking and energy. Sadly, I don't really have any choice anymore. I have to accept what I cannot change. I love Nadia with all my heart and would do anything for her but I can't be a fool and live a deluded existence.

May God bless my wife and little boy.

It's a beautiful sunny, though slightly chilled Saturday morning. One of those mountain autumn days where there can be, if you're lucky, an unexpected collision of cool air and warm light. But Tom is away with his Mum for the next few days and so I have before me, a time of relative solitude. It's my job to make this time productive rather than too reflective. I'm not interested in navel gazing.

Strangely, I find that my singing gigs at the outreach cafe on Fridays are calming. Not at all anxiety inducing. Maybe I am just getting used to being in front of an audience. Maybe I am becoming more accepting of making mistakes and just getting on with it. In the past, the opposite has been the case, and a missed chord or wrong lyric would be just too embarrassing, throwing me for the next part of the song. Or causing me to look for blame elsewhere. Yesterday I started a song in the wrong key(I had the capo on from a previous song) and knowing that there was no way I could sing that high, I stopped and started again. I felt a bit of a goose but soon recovered. I guess also that the people there are so kind that they would never try to point out a mistake, and having a cafe atmosphere ( rather than being a performance venue), it's also true that no one is paying that much attention. Yes, I am really starting to enjoy my time each week there and I think that I am becoming a better performer too. Though that was never my aim.

So Saturday, I embrace you and with God' s help (for no other is sufficient), will try to stay in the groove.